Getting started: Finally Getting Started

Getting started: Finally Getting Started: "This is my first blog. After 38 years of being on this earth, this is the first time that I am writing about what I want to write about for ..."

Finally Getting Started

This is my first blog. After 38 years of being on this earth, this is the first time that I am writing about what I want to write about for everyone to see. What took me so long do you ask? Well, I could begin with the fact that I am a woman and I think even today that women are discouraged from writing about anything besides fashion, entertainment, being a mom, or relationships. I do not have a fashion career or want one for that matter even though I live in Montebello which a lot of people consider LA. I am also not an actress or have ever taken acting classes outside of high school, have not paid for head shots, nor gone to parties trying to meet entertainment people. I grew up in Orange County, Fullerton to be exact where I was not encouraged to try acting or even really care about our looks or being famous. In regards to being a mom, according to my gynecologist I had early ovarian failure or am infertile... no place to plant anyone's seed if you know what I mean. My husband is understanding and have agreed that we will not adopt children or try a surrogate either. As a matter of fact, we were separated 2 months this year and I am thankful that we do not have children at this point in our lives. I am a returning student now and my husband is having some health issues which I will discuss later. Growing up the middle child with 3 sisters and 1 brother , we were poor,  it was always in my mind difficult to have a voice of what I wanted. I made an effort to not be a burden even though most of the time I always felt like a burden to my family because of our circumstances. As soon as I could, I got a job at the age of 15, I worked two jobs during high school including weekends. I almost forgot to mention that my immigrant mother died in 1987 from complications of breast cancer at Loma Linda Hospital. I was a teenager living in a bad area of Fullerton at the time, bitter that she had left and gone to Mexico for treatment without phone calls or letters. She had asked me if I wanted to stay with her in Mexico but I told her that I could not leave my sisters and brother or the few neighborhood friends that I had at the time. teenagers. Anyway, by the time she returned from Mexico, the cancer had spread and she did not have much time left. I remember being upset with her for not calling or writing but not telling her not wanting to make her feel bad or add to her being sick. I wanted to scream at her, I was so angry with her so many reasons. 1. It seemed she returned out of guilt but not out of love for me and her other children. 2. She did not have chemotherapy after her masectomy which I think would have stopped the cancer from spreading. 3. She had  basically given up her rights as a mother, two years prior to my dad, who suffered from depression and some soft of other mental illness, while he was living in a garage. What kind of mother would do that? and what kind of father would attempt raising or living with 5 children in a garage. We lived in a garage while I was in the 4th grade and 5th grade, I think it was 6 months to 2 years, it is hard now to remember the exact dates and time. 4. She had a boyfriend who I think was doing drugs and was not taking care of her like he should  have. My mother towards the end was living in a hotel with her loser husband until the ambulance came and took her to the hospital for the last time. She never came out of the hospital. She died in the hospital. Looking back, I think that the adults, my mom and dad, did not want to separate us or have us go into the foster care system. What would my life have been like and my sisters and brother lives if they had separated us or if the state of California had stepped in and we were on the radar or had a social worker? I will never know. Years later, my father was arrested for non payment of child support when he was the sole parent or guardian of us. My dad's friend took my sister shopping for food but other than that we were on our own. I remember the day my mom went to the DA in Riverside County and told the DA that she wanted my dad arrested. Too bad it took about 7-8 years later , after her death, for that to finally happen, he was gone if I am remembering right, 30-60 days. I never screamed at my mother nor did I tell my dad when he got out of county lock up that he deserved it or that I remember the day my mom went to a law office and told them she wanted him arrested. What I see as I get older is 1. be careful what you wish for and ALL PARENTS should think about the affect on the children when they are wishing for their ex to go to hell , die, or be arrested. We , it felt, us five children were punished and left alone when our dad was arrested. It seemed to me that my parents had created their own misery and that my existence was enough without my being in their faces or telling them how their failed marriage and life choices had affected the family. My dad grew up on the east coast, went into the air force, went to law school in Los Angeles. However, he never passed the bar. He admitted later that he almost passed on the third attempt but had made a joke instead of just answering one of the questions so his score was marked down. What my life would have been if my dad passed the bar??? lots of question marks . This is what you wonder as you get older .. what if, what if. But, after a while for your own sanity you stop asking what if and just concentrate on now. The what if becomes too much. At what age do you ask did I know this information about my father.. around the age of 7. Again did I tell my dad he should have studied harder or that I thought less of  him because of that.. no. Another thing that parents should not do is use their children as confession booths, we do not want to hear the bad things you did and do not have the power to cleanse you of your sins. It must have been his catholic parents haunting his memory when he told us about his failing the bar three times. I WAS A CHILD! You see, my birth certificate shows that when I was born in Fullerton that my parents lived in Fullerton but when I actually really start remembering my childhood, I was 4-5 years old living in Villa Park which is in a good area of Orange County. Then they finalized the divorce when I was 7, our home went into foreclosure and my mom moved us to Riverside in not such a good area where my brother acted out and got in fights and we were surrounded by mostly other poor single mothers. To those of you who do not know, Riverside is the METH capital of California. What is meth, another term is speed or crystal which are street drugs. It is to this day, the main area where it is manufactured. We went from Villa Park to Riverside back to Fullerton. My dad made money by representing mostly mexicans in workers compensation claims. The money was not stable and not enough to raise 5 children. I will talk about what I did after my mom died. After my mom died, I stayed with my dad and concentrated on school. Once I turned 15, I got jobs as a hostess at IHOP, McDonalds, and Luckys grocery store. There is one other thing, when I was 5 years old, I had eye surgery. I was born with a lazy eye and when I look at pictures, I see that my dad had a lazy eye too and think it came from his side of the family. I was held back in kindergarten so I did not graduate high school until 1992 when I was 19.  There was a program where students that were held back had an option to take a test or something so that they can go onto the next grade level which I heard about in middle school but my mom got sick 2 months later so I did not have the opportunity to advance. I had good grades most semesters and think that I should have graduated from high school earlier to be honest. I even took some AP or college prep classes. My dad continued with his struggles after my mom's death. I discovered boys at the age of 17. When I turned 18, I left home for what I thought was for good. I was fed up with my dad and my brother and sisters acting out all the time. I moved in with my boyfriend who was immature smoking pot getting drunk and  cheating on me of course. Then my dad had a stroke when I was like 20. I felt like I had to return home. My plan was to help the family with money and maybe help my dad recover. He recovered but never fully. My brother left and went into the military. My sister was taking care of my dad. Not enough money was coming in. We had to move again. I was not doing a good job of taking care of my dad. I was trying to take college classes and was working a job. Finally, we were evicted. My youngest sister graduated and only me and my dad were left living in Fullerton. My sisters were in college up north. My dad moved into a shit hole apartment in an even worse and dangerous area. I couldn't take it. I left my dad by himself in that apartment. I did not think about or though I could  lease a place in my name. I felt so isolated and alone. I finally moved into a trailer in Garden Grove and stopped taking classes. My grades were bad and I was unable to focus. I could not handle living with my dad anymore and felt resentment because I was left by myself trying to take care of him. My brother finally got him out of Fullerton after he saw the apartment he was living in. I decided that I wanted to get into the medical field so I took medical assisting classes instead of regular courses at a junior college. I did well and received my medical assistant certificate in 1996 planning to be a registered nurse someday. I worked as a medical assistant but decided that I could make better money in the mortgage field or finance industry. In 1997, I married my husband. He had never been married before and had no children with other woman. He had no baggage . I also liked that he was a christian and did not smoke. I stayed in the mortgage field, working myself up from a loan originator, loan officer, processor to an  underwriter at Countrywide Home Loans. The mortgage business collapsed or implode on itself. Countrywide Home Loans was bought out by Bank of America. There were major changes in our department and I was no longer a fit in the environment at work. So here I am now. I am going to write about what I feel and what I see around me.